Siberia is cold. It’s cold in Siberia. Thank you very much Sherlock. I hate it when things people often say
because there’s nothing else to be said turn out to be true. So yes, I will finally have to admit that
it’s below zero and quite cold outside.
Yes, people have to actually wear fur to stay warm, both real and fake,
although thanks to the wonders of modern science and animal rights groups one
has to really question if fur and leather are really superior to cotton and
polyurethane and other synthetic materials.
And alas, even hats. Those wool,
jewel encrusted fashionable hats that every woman, except for me can wear. I have to admit, the Russian people really
know how to bundle up in style. In
Colorado one simply applies two or three shirts of various thickness and colors,
coordinating hat and scarf and viola, you are set. Not to mention the flat boots, fluffy coat
and sometimes mismatched glove; it doesn’t really matter since you’re going out
to your car which will be nice and warm and won’t have to worry about spending
outside in the cold. Obviously, if
you’re going to be outside for hours on end, you put on a matching ski-suit and
all your fashion problems are solved.
However, here in Mother Russia, or
Siberia to be exact, fashion requires a bit more thought and consideration. For example, if there is a lot of ice a girl
can get away with wearing a spike heel with the idea of actually chiseling the
ice, which actually works. However, if
the ice is covered in snow, this is a bad idea due to friction and the lady in
question must lower the heel either to a wedge or flat surface. Men on the other hand only have to worry
about how much fur or fleece they need on the inside of their shoes. The only thing that really matters to the men
is if their shoes are clean or not. Rain
or shine, ice or snow, shoes must always be clean.
Moving up from the shoes, there’s
the issue of tights or long underwear.
Clearly, mean wear long underwear and not tights even though the same
word is used in the Russian language.
The humor about super heroes running around in tights is beyond them.
Anyway, this is where the fun really begins for Russian ladies; the variety of
thickness and design of tights is simply overwhelming. It’s quite a pity that more people don’t take
the time to consider their leg wear more often; it can be an interesting
experience to say the least.
Then there’s the endless selection
of sweaters. For some unknown reason,
all questionable designs and patterns which have been rejected by Europe, parts
of Asia and all fashionable civilization wind up here in Russia. We’re talking pea green mixed with orange
flowers, diamond shapes in hues of burgundy and teal and horizontal stripes of
yellow, Pepto pink and sea green all demanding your attention. It’s as if a child labor force rebelled and sent
a giant finger to Russia. Sadly, most of
the men think this is normal and the women do nothing to correct this huge
injustice to their men. Dear men, please
stop wearing sweaters which make you look like douchebags, pedophiles or
rapists. The serial killer look went out
in the mid-eighties.
Last but certainly not least are the
coats. It’s a coat wonderland. Do you want a purple coat with a red
hood? Done. How about a black knee length coat with lace
and sparkles? Done. For the men, how about a military camouflage overcoat
complete with fake badge and serial number?
Done and done!
For all these reasons, there’s the cliché
about Russian women being beautiful and Russian men looking like…well, looking
like crap. It’s not really their
fault. Women are still treated like
dolls and manly men are afraid of being called ‘gay’ so they go the extreme opposite
way and dress like actors who escaped from the 1970’s.
The cliché about everyone being
drunk:
Everyone drinks. There’s a bit of bi-polar disorder when it
comes to drinking; something like, “no, I don’t drink, but on New Year, all
Russians drink too much vodka. Or on
birthdays. Or in night clubs…” and my favorite “drinking isn’t healthy.” As if this answers the question about whether
or not people like to drink socially or not.
Either way, every country had a love/ hate relationship with
alcohol. In America it’s a strange
paradox, somewhere between ‘drinking is evil’ and ‘PARTY!’ Here, in Russia, it’s very similar. The big difference is food. For Americans drinking is a sport, or in some
cases a mission. If we’re going to a
bar, we’re going to drink and play pool, we can’t be bothered with eating a
salad covered in mayo nor can we bother with dinner. Please.
It’s Saturday night, it’s time to drink and dance. There shall be no food served! Food can only be consumed after two in the
morning. Thus a typical night at a night
club consists of shots, chased by beer, followed by a mixed drink or two. The more the merrier.
In a Russian night club you are
expected to sit at a table, order snacks which are usually pickles, tomatoes,
some unknown meat thing and if you’re really lucky, questionable salad which is
really just a heart attack waiting to happen.
Then you only do shots of vodka, whisky or beer. That’s it.
Mixing is frowned on and considered dangerous- and then you dance. Then you drink and eat and dance some
more. The major advantage of partying in
Russia is that nothing ever closes. You
can keep drinking until the sun comes up, which as it happens, people do. There’s also the nice loophole about being
able to drink in public. I have to
admit, there is a great and liberating freedom about drinking a beer in the
park with your friends, or drinking on the subway or bus. On a serious note, in parts of the city and
country the government has been trying to curb this enthusiasm for drinking in
public and has been trying to ban people from doing it, by issuing fines and
tickets. Most of the time you can sweet
talk your way out of it, or offer a bribe.
Who doesn’t love a little corruption every now and then?
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