Call of the Oven: Life as a Video Game

On Sunday the temperature took a nose dive past the zero mark, ushering in winter.  Well, it is the end of December- it had to happen at some point.  There’s something very magical about sub- zero temperatures, it kicks up your metabolism and influences women to go on baking and cooking sprees.  Baking is tricky thing for me, despite my best efforts; I really kinda suck at it, especially brownies.  Ask anyone.  They either turn out soupy in the middle and rock hard at the edges or flat and tasteless like those gross things they try to give you in hospital cafeterias. 

Anyway, despite my misgivings, I couldn’t resist the Call of the Oven as I sat and pretended to lead a discussion group.  We were discussing happiness, and naturally food came up, since food makes billions of people happy, and it was about then that I decided that I was going to show my oven who was boss and make M&M cookies.  After all, not even I could mess up a simple sugar cookie, I mean, this is cookie making 101; even 10 year olds can make these things.  Challenge accepted.  After looking up the recipe online I realized that I would need brown sugar.  Understanding that I would need to go to the store for a very specific ingredient caused a wave of anxiety to course through my entire body.  Sure, it’s a simple enough thing, and I’m sure that on any other day when I don’t need it I would be able to find it everywhere, but now, at this moment when I really needed it…would I be able to find it? Unwanted memory flashes occurred: memories of hunting for black pepper, insulin…razors, hell even beer.  How did people in Soviet times ever make it 80 years?!    

Taking a few calming breaths I tried to laugh at myself and convince my brain that I was over reacting, it’s just brown sugar, how hard could it possibly be?  I went to Megas, one of the coolest supermarkets around because they usually have everything.  Usually is the operating word here.  They had brownish sugar cubes which looked like something which got rejected from space.  No deal.  I wasn’t about to spend ten dollars on questionable looking sugar.  Then I went across the street.  No sugar at all. Great.  This wasn’t looking so easy now.  So then I thought I’d just walk up to the giant flea market, because it’s where you find stuff when you run out of options.  I try booth number one.  No.  Two.  No.  Three?  No.  Then I got to thinking, this wasn’t just a sugar hunt, this was becoming an epic freaking adventure.  If I’m going to have to spend this much time, energy and risk losing my sanity then I should at least have a dragon or a magic sword or at the very least a wizard guide who can assist me with the locals.  Someone needs to design a game about hunting for basic products in Russia.  In this game the characters would have to battle a babushka or two using the stale black bread as weapons.  Then as you level up the quests would become more complex such as trying to buy a computer or any electronic gadget where you have to have your receipt stamped and torn by three different people for no real reason, but then at the end you are rewarded with a charmed bottle of vodka which you will later have to exchange for a ticket to Kazan or some other place. 

I’m hoping this making my readers smile and perhaps you think that I’m exaggerating a little, but sadly I’m not.   Not even a little.  It took me three hours to find brown sugar.  And yet, among all the stalls and tables and cardboard boxes of people selling random effects; at any given time you can be sure to find sushi paraphernalia.  I wonder if the Japanese know about the Russian love of sushi.  Although I think it’s more than love, it’s almost like a compulsive desire to serve sushi at the most unlikely places.  Places such as: Beer shops, fast food places where they specialize in kebobs and fried meat things, traditional Russian eateries, Chinese restaurants, and even my favorite Ukrainian restaurant serves sushi even though they don’t offer fish on the menu.  This of course will be another level of the game, the eating level. 

Speaking of life as a video game; today I had to take a taxi and instead of making life easy, the driver decided it would be a good idea to drive up to the door to meet me.  Since all walkways are covered in ice, I could almost appreciate his attempt at trying to make my life easier, but as I glanced at the Tetris style nightmare which was the parking lot, I couldn’t help but question the wisdom of this action.  I didn’t want to be late, hence, this is why I called a taxi in the first place, but since I was already seated I figured I would relax and let the driver work his magic; and the whole time all I could image was a Tetris grid.  Perhaps I am dating myself a little, but I tend to always think of Tetris when it comes to things such as packing or driving or even dancing.  Perhaps I need to make a life sized controller and this would resolve most of the traffic congestion in the city.        

Going back to Sugar Quest, yes, happily the sugar was good and the cookies turned out.  They were soft and sweet and everything which a cookie is supposed to be.  I’d love nothing more than to recreate my success a few more times, and if I’m ever feeling really brave I may try brownies once again.